Childhood confessions

Some of the things we do as children are both hilarious and socially demented.

As a really young child, I was both an utter liar and thief. Don’t let the over-sized dimples and sulky tantrums fool you. I was quite the thug. Now don’t feel alarmed, neither of these attributes were ever exercised on a grand scale. I was never involved in an armed robbery or lying-before-the-law incident. Rather, I lied about things that had no reason to be lied about. Things like ‘my golden retriever is pregnant!’ and ‘I’ve tried blueberry martinis. They’re so yum’.

Getting myself into these weird white lies was always easier than dealing with the consequences. I recall, at the age of 7, over a year after telling my best friend of the time that my dog was pregnant, that she was simply not having puppies. Rather, she was just a fat dog. The latter part was not a total lie. My dog was and remains pretty well-fed. Shout out to all the chubby golden retrievers lovin’ life out there.

Though my random lie-telling as an infant never had any dramatic consequences, I am definitely glad that I grew out of that stage pretty quickly. Part of me wonders how I even managed to be such a liar, considering I am quite possibly the worst teenage/legally-an-adult liar in the country. If someone asks me a question about myself (in a situation that would be better to not tell the complete truth) I either blush, start grinning like an idiot or run out of any words to say and simply murmur something like ‘uhhh, I don’t know’. However, when I believe it is necessary to keep a secret, such as keeping the secret of a friend from an invasive stranger, I go into stealth mode and dodge questions like bullets. I’m a verbal ninja like that. This is much more lame than being a regular ninja, though wearing the ninja costume is still voluntary.

In regards to my claim that I was a little bit of a thief as a child, allow me to explain. Before starting primary school, I ‘permanently borrowed’ my sisters jewellery on a regular basis. One time, I even took my sisters necklace and wrapped it up as a gift for my friends birthday. Luckily for her, she realised what I had done before I gave the gift away.

However, once I started school, when I was five or six, I was obsessed with the plush toy key rings that came with McDonalds happy meals. I wanted to collect them all. It’s so cringe worthy to reminisce, but during class time I went outside to where all of our school bags were lined up and took them off of people’s bags, for my own keeping. And for your information, I got off completely scot-free! Keep in mind that this thankfully no longer represents who I am as a person. To bring it into perspective, at this point in my life I was also pondering entering a successful career path as a professional dog-walker or astronaut. In that order.

Regardless, to my primary school principal, I am very sorry that I lied directly to your face and shifted the blame to a ‘blonde child in mufti’ who did not exist.

Kind Regards,

The innocent-looking 7 year old who gave minimal fucks. Or perhaps, gave one too many fucks about McDonalds plush toys.